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THE GOO GOBLIN CHRONICLES
| Am I the only straight man who wonders what Elvis' sweet velvety penis would taste like? |
| I read a book on how to motivate and influence people. Unfortunately I think I have to do some fine tuning. I tried a “change of subject” pick-up line and found myself locked up in jail for the weekend. I was like “Don’t you worry your pretty little face. You may think that I’m coming on to strong and moving to fast, but I think I’m just revving up my sex engine to lay some serious damage to your ass. I will bang you six ways from Friday and after that you will forget all about this little incident.” Next thing I knew the officer asked me to step out of the vehicle and he handcuffed me. I thought he was just being kinky at first. I was sadly mistaken.
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| I wrote a poem this Valentines Day for my wife. It read:
Honey, the love of my life. This Valentines day I began to reflect on marriage. The institution of marriage. Marriage is like an institution, an insane asylum if you will. A dark desperate place where you are no longer allowed to be yourself. God forbid a wife lets you get drunk, play poker, and hang around with whores. No…no…that is too much to ask for. As a husband you’re expected to “talk” to your wife, which really means listen to her bitch and whine about some stupid shit that you couldn’t give two flying fucks about. Oh Marriage, you have ripped out my heart with a fucking dirty rake and severed my testicals. Yes, marriage take my money, pour vinegar in my eye, nag and complain when I just want to smoke a damn cigar in peace. Marriage you dirty bitch you have ruined me. I submit to you, you God awful beast from which there is no escape. Why don’t you just kill me now and end the despair. No, you enjoy seeing me reduced from a full of life, joyful young lad to a beaten down worthless slub whose rockin’ good Friday night consists of going to Bed Bath and Beyond and Waldbaums, don't you. This is what you’ve done to me marriage. I hope you are fuckin’ happy. Marriage you have taken any shred of joy from my existence. So on this Valentine's Day Honey, know that our marriage is in the forefront of my mind and that I do nothing else but bow down beaten in front of it.
Your Loving Husband, Goo
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| I think it would be much more troublesome to find a piece of hay in a stack of needles. Think about it! |
| I like to dress myself up in drag and stuff my stomach with a pillow so it looks like I’m pregnant and then go to an abortion clinic that is being protested, and try to pick up chicks. |
| When the mailroom guy comes around at work I like to quickly get up on top of my desk and then go diving off, laying down the atomic elbow drop to his temple. |
| If you eat McDonalds really slow is it still considered “fast-food”? |
| I sometimes like to take my goldfish out to dinner with me, when my wife is out of town. I set him up across the table from me and when the waiter comes to take our orders, I always order Salmon and then the waiter and I rejoice in mocking the poor fish. |
| What if the Tortoise was just the one who told the fuckin’ story? Think about it! |
| What kind of vigilante are you? What is this? Faggot Shit!!! Think about it! |
| I’ve set up a trap door on my front stoop, I’m collecting mailmen. Think about it? |
| I like to set really loud ring tones and then hide my cell phone in secret places while at work, and then I like to stand in the middle of the office and ask if I could borrow someone's cell phone to call mine so I can find it. When it begins rigning I say "Do you hear that, listen carefully, it's my phone, and it's up my ass again." |
| What if your mind had a mind of its own? |
| When I see my boss in his office taking a sip of his coffee, I like to quickly barge in and say “don’t drink that, I’ve pissed in it again, and I’m really sorry.” |
| I find the term “hands free” cell phone to be offensive for those lacking hands. |
| I like to go up to random white people on the street and say “I should have guessed it, your one of them Bush people aren’t you. Then I like to shake my head with disgust and say “you look like a darn Neanderthal.” |
| I found out the hard way, that you should never put your finger really close to a bear’s face and play the “But, I’m not touching you Game.” |
| I like to go into the supermarket and go over to the seafood section where they have all the fish laid out on crushed ice, and I like to start snowball fights, usually with older women or young children. |
| When offering an excuse on why I’m such a failure in life I often like to make the statement, “If I only had a trunk full of squirrels, the things I could have accomplished, it would have been really something quite remarkable.” |
| I keep a long piece of pepperoni in my pants and go into the DMV and while I’m waiting on the ridiculous line, I like to carefully unzipper my fly and hang the pepperoni out of my pants and then attempt to bend down and start chewing on it. I make little gnawing noises and say “Tastes really yummy.” Once I have determined a sizable crowd has noticed me I quickly put it back in my pants and quickly zip up my fly, like I have been just caught during my “Special time.” Then I like to address the crowd and say “Great, the lines so long I’ve begun eating my penis.” |
| You ever go up to a nun and slap her right upside the head and then say “Come on, give me that other cheek Sista.” Think about it! |
| When I see a man and a woman arguing in public, I like to invite myself into the conversation by saying, “What are you guys talking about?” Usually, the man gets angry and says “Why don’t you mind your business buddy,” or you’ll even get the occasional “Fuck Off.” At this point I just grab the guy by the head and attempt to make out with him. Saying “you don’t mean those horrible things, don’t let your anger at her come between us.” |
| I sometimes take birdbaths naked. Think about it! |
| Whenever I meet someone’s new baby I like to look down at the infant and then smile at the parents, figuring they’re probably sick of hearing, “the babies so cute,” instead I like to tell them “Looks like a shitbird if you ask me.” |
| I sometimes hide in my neighbor’s underwear drawer. |
| You ever wonder what they would say to you in a fish store if you walked in wearing full scuba equipment and attempted to try to dive into one of the tanks? |
| You ever get called in to your boss’ office and he’s screaming at you for the reports that you accidentally lit on fire and shoved down the pants of the guy in the cubicle next to you? Have You? Think about it! |
| You ever wonder if throwing Chinese Stars at work would be considered inappropriate? If you haven’t, why don’t you think about it! |
| After Sunday mass I like to inform the priest that he gave an excellent sermon by saying, “Hey Father, you really fuckin’ nailed that shit, good for you.” Then when he looks angry and says “I don’t think the colorful language is necessary, my son,” I scream “I’ll never join you. You’re not my father.” And then I try to cut off his hand with my plastic light saber, which I pull out from my satchel. |
| You ever pull up behind a cop car and try to pull him over. I like to pull up behind cops and start flashing them with my lights while squealing out my driver side window at the top of my lungs, making a man-made siren sound. Then I start to yell, "Oh how the tables have turned my sweet friend!" |
| Who put the bop in the bop shoe wop shoe wop? Who was that man, I’d like to hold his hand? Think About It! |
| When was the last time you ever saw a Robin wearing a yellow cape? The prop people for that Batman show must have been real jackassess. |
| My friend “Shithead” once asked me if I ever wondered how I got my name. |
| You ever be sitting in a board meeting while a District manager is rambling on and you decide it would probably be a real good idea to slowly creep up behind him, and then dive on top of him hugging him saying “You make so many wonderful points, I just want to snuggle with you, my Mr. Smarty Man.” |
| They say ants are supposed to be so strong in relation to their size, that’s why I always pick fights with them. Think About It? |
| They say Aunts are supposed to be so strong, no, actually I never heard that said about Aunts. |
| You ever wonder if Wonder bread was alive, would it be like a bag of individuals lined side by side, or just one poor guy sliced up into a lot of little pieces? Think About It? |
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