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THE GOO GOBLIN CHRONICLES


I think it would be much more troublesome to find a piece of hay in a stack of needles. Think about it!

When the mailroom guy comes around at work I like to quickly get up on top of my desk and then go diving off, laying down the atomic elbow drop to his temple.

If you eat McDonalds really slow is it still considered “fast-food”?

I sometimes like to take my goldfish out to dinner with me, when my wife is out of town. I set him up across the table from me and when the waiter comes to take our orders, I always order Salmon and then the waiter and I rejoice in mocking the poor fish.

What if the Tortoise was just the one who told the fuckin’ story? Think about it!

What kind of vigilante are you? What is this? Faggot Shit!!! Think about it!

I’ve set up a trap door on my front stoop, I’m collecting mailmen. Think about it?

I like to set really loud ring tones and then hide my cell phone in secret places while at work, and then I like to stand in the middle of the office and ask if I could borrow someone's cell phone to call mine so I can find it. When it begins rigning I say "Do you hear that, listen carefully, it's my phone, and it's up my ass again."

What if your mind had a mind of its own?

When I see my boss in his office taking a sip of his coffee, I like to quickly barge in and say “don’t drink that, I’ve pissed in it again, and I’m really sorry.”

I find the term “hands free” cell phone to be offensive for those lacking hands.

I like to go up to random white people on the street and say “I should have guessed it, your one of them Bush people aren’t you. Then I like to shake my head with disgust and say “you look like a darn Neanderthal.”

I found out the hard way, that you should never put your finger really close to a bear’s face and play the “But, I’m not touching you Game.”

I like to go into the supermarket and go over to the seafood section where they have all the fish laid out on crushed ice, and I like to start snowball fights, usually with older women or young children.

When offering an excuse on why I’m such a failure in life I often like to make the statement, “If I only had a trunk full of squirrels, the things I could have accomplished, it would have been really something quite remarkable.”

You ever go up to a nun and slap her right upside the head and then say “Come on, give me that other cheek Sista.” Think about it!

When I see a man and a woman arguing in public, I like to invite myself into the conversation by saying, “What are you guys talking about?” Usually, the man gets angry and says “Why don’t you mind your business buddy,” or you’ll even get the occasional “Fuck Off.” At this point I just grab the guy by the head and attempt to make out with him. Saying “you don’t mean those horrible things, don’t let your anger at her come between us.”

I sometimes take birdbaths naked. Think about it!

Whenever I meet someone’s new baby I like to look down at the infant and then smile at the parents, figuring they’re probably sick of hearing, “the babies so cute,” instead I like to tell them “Looks like a shitbird if you ask me.”

I sometimes hide in my neighbor’s underwear drawer.

You ever wonder what they would say to you in a fish store if you walked in wearing full scuba equipment and attempted to try to dive into one of the tanks?

You ever get called in to your boss’ office and he’s screaming at you for the reports that you accidentally lit on fire and shoved down the pants of the guy in the cubicle next to you? Have You? Think about it!

You ever wonder if throwing Chinese Stars at work would be considered inappropriate? If you haven’t, why don’t you think about it!

After Sunday mass I like to inform the priest that he gave an excellent sermon by saying, “Hey Father, you really fuckin’ nailed that shit, good for you.” Then when he looks angry and says “I don’t think the colorful language is necessary, my son,” I scream “I’ll never join you. You’re not my father.” And then I try to cut off his hand with my plastic light saber, which I pull out from my satchel.

You ever pull up behind a cop car and try to pull him over. I like to pull up behind cops and start flashing them with my lights while squealing out my driver side window at the top of my lungs, making a man-made siren sound. Then I start to yell, "Oh how the tables have turned my sweet friend!"

Who put the bop in the bop shoe wop shoe wop? Who was that man, I’d like to hold his hand? Think About It!

When was the last time you ever saw a Robin wearing a yellow cape? The prop people for that Batman show must have been real jackassess.

My friend “Shithead” once asked me if I ever wondered how I got my name.

You ever be sitting in a board meeting while a District manager is rambling on and you decide it would probably be a real good idea to slowly creep up behind him, and then dive on top of him hugging him saying “You make so many wonderful points, I just want to snuggle with you, my Mr. Smarty Man.”

They say ants are supposed to be so strong in relation to their size, that’s why I always pick fights with them. Think About It?

They say Aunts are supposed to be so strong, no, actually I never heard that said about Aunts.

You ever wonder if Wonder bread was alive, would it be like a bag of individuals lined side by side, or just one poor guy sliced up into a lot of little pieces? Think About It?

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