Wise men say only fools rush in. The question is, who are these wise men? Certainly we’re not talking about the Three Wise Men. The very same guys that dropped everything and rushed off to follow a star to Bethlehem. Just think, if they had sat back on their heels and took their sweet time, nobody would have been there to greet the Baby Jesus with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.
And not to get off the subject, but something bothers me about that whole gold, frankincense and myrrh business. To be honest, I didn’t even know what frankincense and myrrh were, so I went ahead and looked it up. And you know what I found out? Both of them are actually gum resins obtained from trees, which I believe is simply a fancy way of saying tree sap. Apparently they smell pretty good if you burn them as incense or something. Now, based on my findings, I can draw only two possible conclusions. Either gum resin has fallen off tremendously from a desirability standpoint over the centuries, or two of those wise men came all that way to give Jesus what would have to be considered the ancient equivalent of the dreaded fruitcake. The question is, what were these Kings thinking? “The perfect gift for the newborn Savior, hmm let’s see. Ah, tree sap might be nice.” All I have to say is thank heavens for the one King who actually didn’t graduate from the “School of Crappy Gift Selection” or who knows, Jesus might have been awful disappointed and not in such a forgiving mood. Just think of how you would feel if all you got in your stocking on Christmas morning was a couple varieties of gum resin. That’s really no better than coal if you ask me. And when it comes to varieties of gum resin, I gotta believe, if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. That is of course, unless you happen to be a gum resin collector, in which case you probably appreciate the subtle differences between various types of tree sap, however, I digress.
The important thing here is that we get to the bottom of this whole fools rushing in stuff. I think it’s clear that the Three Wise Men had no part in perpetuating that saying. The question is, who did? Well I got to thinking. Perhaps we shouldn’t be looking at wise men in the traditional sense. Maybe we should be looking at a different breed of wise man altogether. I’m talking about wiseguys. You know, I couldn’t help but notice that Don Corleone never seemed to be in any particular hurry to go anywhere. I think it’s that whole wiseguy persona. You go about your business in a cool manner, whack a few folks here and there, but never let them see you sweat. It’s an unwritten law that the Mafia seems to live by. OK, I’ll admit, Joe Pesci in Goodfellas might have been an exception to that rule, but don’t think it’s just a coincidence that he wound up dead. Then, of course, there was Fredo. He wouldn’t stop rushing around like a jackass getting involved in all sorts of crazy business and that made him an embarrassment to the family. His brother Michael was left with no alternative but to take him on that little boat ride. He paid the ultimate price for committing the cardinal sin of “rushing in.” Oh yes, now I’m beginning to understand. It definitely must have been wiseguys who coined the phrase, “only fools rush in.” How could I have been so blind?
And you know what this means? It means that I was all wrong about that Elvis song. “Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with you.” I had always thought of that sentence as the unforgettable chorus to an otherwise sappy love song when in actuality, it was a touching tribute to organized crime. Think about it. He used the term wise men simply because he couldn’t use the term wiseguys. Let’s remember, he was singing during a time when it was scandalous to shake your hips on stage. You can only imagine what would have happened if he went ahead and openly quoted the Mafia. J. Edgar Hoover, in his evening gown, would have had a field day with that I’m sure. And as for the line, “but I can’t help falling in love with you,” that’s clearly just Elvis expressing his infatuation with the whole mobster lifestyle. Obviously, he had been taken in by the romanticized image of figures like Al Capone, Bugsy Seigel and Eddie “Fingers” McGill. By the way, that last guy isn’t real. I made him up so I would have three examples. Everybody likes three examples you know. Anyhow, it’s obvious that Elvis was nothing more than a Mob groupie. In fact, I’m sure he tried joining up but they certainly wouldn’t have taken in some big side-burned goof ball wearing a jump suit. I actually have a theory that it was the Mafia rejection that caused Elvis to become fat and depressed in his later years, but who am I to talk.
I don’t think I’m Mob material either. They’re apparently not very big on fools and I happen to be a first rate member of that classification. To be sure, I have that tendency to rush into things like a chicken with its head cut off, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Man, I do stuff that makes “rushing in” look like a leisurely walk in the park. I’m talking advanced level fool stuff like giving people the old imaginary six-shooter and making that click click sound with my tongue rather than going with the traditional greeting. Anyway, once again it appears that I have digressed. Have a nice day.
