People are always asking me what makes mankind stand out from the rest of the animal kingdom. I know it sounds weird, but I get this question alot. Perhaps it has something to do with my "ask me what makes mankind stand out from the rest of the animal kingdom" tee-shirt. Folks get on me for wearing it all the time, but I simply say to them, if you're lucky enough to find a nice loose fitting shirt that hides the love handles, you do what you have to do.
Anyway, the point is this. Mankind stands out from the rest of the animal kingdom for one reason and one reason alone. It can be summed up in two words. Opposable Thumbs. That's right, it's the thumbs that make us special. It's the thumbs that enabled us to use tools and in turn build our society. Without them, we would be like any other animal. Imagine for a moment, if you will, a thumbed squirrel. Do you think he'd be scurrying around from tree to tree searching for nuts? I think not. More likely he'd be in some secret underground laboratory devising a plan for world domination, but I digress.
I've always believed that behind every great man is a great thumb. This having been said, I think it's high time the thumb got some well deserved recognition. That is why I'm putting together a petition to be submitted to the International Olympic Committee calling for Thumb Wrestling to finally be included as an official Olympic event. Of course, this has nothing to do with the fact that I happen to spend nearly every waking moment training as a thumb wrestler. I assure you that my motivation is not of a personal nature.
Thumb wrestling is sport in its purest form. It involves speed, strength, dexterity, endurance and above all strategy. It's not like running, which is an Olympic event I might add. With running you just go real fast when you hear a gun shot and that's it. If you ask me, sports are about so much more than that. Strategy is the key and it's what makes thumb wrestling so tremendous. You could have the most powerful thumb in the world, but if you're not thinking out there in that no man's land I like to call "The Ring of Death", focused on that other thumb, then you're going down hard my friend.
Take it from me. I used to be cocky. I thought because I could twittle my thumbs like the wind and flip a coin 15 feet in the air, that I was invincible. But then one day I faced Buddy Grimes. He was a skinny little fella with a scrawny looking thumb. The kind of thumb I would normally eat for breakfast in my sleep blindfolded with one hand tied behind my back. I didn't think he had the strength in his whole upper body to pin my monster thumb for one second, let alone three. But Buddy was a thinking man's thumb wrestler.
As the opening bell sounded, he laid his thumb down flat. I couldn't believe it, he was taking a dive. I actually felt sorry for the poor little wretch, apparently too frightened to even stand up to "Mister Crusher". That, by the way, is what my thumb likes to be called in the ring. Anyhow, I went for the merciful pin, but just as I did he slipped out and got back up. I was furious and embarrassed. I turned to Grimes and with a soft but manly voice said something along the lines of "You silly little man, you have angered Mister Crusher and for that you must pay". Mister Crusher began lunging wildly at his tiny but elusive opponent. Before long, the mighty Crusher began to fatigue from his futile efforts to exact payment. Finally, he made one final lunge and that was it. Buddy pounced on my exhausted thumb as soon as it landed and Mister Crusher couldn't even muster the strength to resist. The bitter taste of defeat was mine to endure. I must say, I grew up quite a bit that day.
So you see, I'm humble now. I seek to promote thumb wrestling not for personal glory, but rather, to see to it that guys like little Buddy Grimes, real American heroes, are not lost in obscurity. We glorify men who can toss a ball into a hoop and yet we won't give the time of day to the master thumb wrestler practicing his craft. There is nothing quite so beautiful as watching man and thumb become one.
It's been said that the thumbs are the window to the soul and I couldn't agree more. After all, isn't it really the thumbs that make us human in the first place?
