ODE TO THE SWISS

I mean, think about it. What country in its right mind would ever attempt to tangle with the Swiss knowing full well that they are armed with these amazingly versatile weapons? Carrying one of those bad boys around, a Swiss soldier need not even carry a gun. Let's go over some of the endless capabilities of the knife, shall we? First of all, you've got two blades on there. One short one for intricate cutting and a larger one for when you really need to go to work. Just imagine for a moment, 10,000 Swiss infantrymen lining the horizon with their 3 ½ inch stainless steel blades unfolded, gleaming in the sunlight and ready to go. And it's not like those Swiss don't know how to handle a blade. The fact is they happen to be some of the finest whittlers on the face of the earth. The bottom line is, to assault such a force would simply be suicide.

So attack is not an option, but maybe you could wait them out. After all, they're only human. They have to get tired and thirsty at some point. Ah, but you're forgetting that along with those devastating blades, Swiss Army Knives come complete with a trusty bottle opener as well as a fully functional can opener. So while you attempt to wait them out, they're over there enjoying nice refreshing beverages and tasty canned delicacies. Then you begin to get desperate. Maybe you convince yourself that they will start to suffer from bad hygiene and be forced to retreat. You grasp onto the notion that no matter how fearsome, a military force can withstand only so much when it comes to the ravages of trench life. You count on hang nails, splinters and tooth decay to take their toll and weaken the Swiss ranks. But no, wrong again! This time you overlooked the handy dandy nail file, the scissors, the tweezers and that nifty plastic toothpick, all standard issue on the Swiss Army Knife. With these tools, fingernails can be kept well manicured, splinters are removed effortlessly and the danger of tooth decay, which can result from food stuck between the teeth, is completely eliminated. It becomes obvious that there's absolutely no hope of wearing these hardened Swiss fighters down.

And if that weren't enough, the Swiss Army Knife offers something else. Something I like to call the intangibles. For instance, did you ever stop to think about the fact that most military knives are camouflaged in some way? They are designed to be less noticeable in order to take advantage of the element of surprise. They rely on that. Well not the Swiss Army Knife. Oh no, those babies are bright red, as if to say, "here I am mister, would you care to dance?" While other weapons acknowledge their inadequacy by needing to resort to deception, the proud Swiss Army Knife has total confidence in its dominating ability. And don't underestimate the impact that has. I'm sorry, but it's flat out intimidating if you ask me. Like that bad ass Clint Eastwood type guy in a western movie who ain't afraid of nothing. He comes boldly riding into town at high noon on his pale horse and makes his way over to the saloon. Then, after taking down a couple shots of whiskey, he's approached by some no good jackass looking for a fight. Well one thing leads to another and ultimately that jackass winds up flying out through those swinging saloon doors and landing dead in the street. That's the kind of intimidation I'm talking about. Of course, when it comes to the Swiss Army Knife, there's no jackass crazy enough to take it on, so to be more precise, I guess it would be like the same Clint Eastwood type guy coming into town except that everyone just leaves him alone. The only thing is, that wouldn't make for such a great movie plot. I mean if nothing ever happens. Let's face it, nobody's gonna pay good money to watch a gunslinger meandering completely unmolested through some old western town for two hours. I guess that's beside the point though and I can't afford to get side tracked here.

There's still one more aspect of the Swiss Army Knife I need to discuss. It's the last piece to the puzzle so to speak. The cork screw. Most folks think a cork screw doesn't even belong on an army knife in the first place. Normally they would be correct, however, the Swiss Army Knife is anything but normal. You see, it's all part of the bravado. It says, "Look at this, here's my nifty little cork screw so that after I whoop you're sorry ass, I have something to pop the champagne with." OK, so perhaps it's true that typically champagne bottles don't need a cork screw to open, but maybe the Swiss like to sit down to a nice glass of victory wine. Did you ever think of that mister smart guy? Anyway, the point is, you can't put a price on that kind of intimidation. It's the ultimate form of deterrence. Oh, and one last thing. I wouldn't want to neglect to point out that the Swiss Army Knife also usually comes equipped with a tool that can best be described as some sort of sewing device. You know, it's kinda like a big flat pointy thing with a hole in the side of it. Maybe it's not for sewing but it looks like you might be able to sew or knit or maybe do some of that crocheting with it. The thing is, even though it doesn't necessarily serve a military function, anything that you might potentially be able to sew or knit or maybe even crochet with is well worth mentioning. By the way, what the hell is crochet anyway?

Now I left out the screw driver and the miniature saw because I really don't see their relevancy. I mean how often, on the field of battle, does one have the need to cut down a little teeny tiny tree or tighten some hypothetical screw. The same goes for the fish scaler. Who has the time to be scaling fish when there's so much sewing or knitting or maybe even crocheting to be done? I don't see why they couldn't have simply replaced the fish scaler with a backup one of those sewing things, just in case the first one were to break due to excessive use. Going with only one of them seems like an awful big risk. For instance, what if a grizzled veteran was right in the middle of knitting a pair of mittens or crocheting a cute little outfit when whammo, his sewing device snaps? What then I ask you? For God's sake, what then? But this is just one small flaw. Otherwise, I would have to say that the Swiss Army Knife is pretty much the perfect weapon of war.

Well, there you have it. In a world of guns and bombs and weapons of mass destruction, you've got these crazy Swiss bastards standing their armed only with their trusty little red knives, perhaps passing the time carefully stitching comfy quilts, ready to take on anyone who dares attack them. But with a knife so versatile and a bravado so bold, nobody ever does dare attack them and that's why they've been able to maintain their neutrality for so long.