SUPERHERO 101

As you can plainly see, super powers, while flashy and attention grabbing, are not essential to the makeup of a superhero. What is, you ask? Lets start with the tights. That’s right, any self-respecting superhero absolutely has to wear a pair of tights. If you try going around fighting crime in a pair of sweatpants and a tee-shirt, I don’t care if you can fly and shoot laser beams from your eyes, you’ll never be considered a real superhero. It’s that simple. So the first thing any aspiring Defender of Justice needs to do is go out and get himself a sturdy pair of tights, preferably colorful ones. A cape, of course, is optional. Really, it’s a matter of preference. Some folks like the look of a cape while others feel it only gets in the way. Personally, I go with the cape because I’m very self-conscious about the size of my buttocks. I mean, it’s bad enough that I have to go around in tights. You really can’t hide in those babies you know, however as I said, they are mandatory.

But tights alone does not a superhero make. Oh no, there’s much more to it than that. You also have to become proficient at being your own narrator. For instance, if you spot trouble somewhere you can’t simply rush to the scene. Oh know, even if you’re by yourself, you have to take a moment to narrate the situation for the benefit of the viewers at home. It’s like that time I stumbled upon a gang of thug squirrels sneaking up on some unsuspecting dude in the park. Instead of rushing in blindly to save the day I first broke out my deep narrator voice and said sternly, “What’s this? That poor man is about to be overtaken by a gang of squirrels. Someone’s got to save him. This looks like a job for …(dramatic pause with theme music) THE PEPPERCORN KID! ” And man, you should of seen those squirrels scatter when I came bolting onto the scene making my trademark buzzing sound and flapping my arms in simulated flight. The fella I was saving actually ran away too, but not before blurting out, “Get away from me you freak!” Some expression of gratitude that was. Well, I always said it was a thankless job. Anyway, this is just an example. Naturally, you’ll have to develop your own unique style of narration but the important thing to remember is that a superhero always has to make some sort of narrative statement before taking action. That’s why you never see any mime superheroes around. Well, that and the fact that mimes are evil, but I digress.

Anyway, there’s one more critical component to being a superhero that we still need to discuss. I’m referring to the weakness factor. It has been well documented that every superhero has to have that one weakness which represents his lone vulnerability. For Superman, naturally, it is kryptonite. For Aquaman it is his relative ineffectiveness out of the water. For Batman it is his faggoty side-kick Robin. For Captain America it is that bad knee of his. For the Masked Avenger it is his irrational fear of stepping foot outside his own house, which, of course, is why you’re probably not familiar with him. It’s a shame too because he definitely has the skills to be a top notch crime fighter.

And for the Peppercorn Kid, well for me it’s not so much my own weakness as it is the fact that everyone’s out to get me. Oh yeah, and also the voice. That wretched voice. No, stop it, I’m telling them. I said I’m telling them. Yes I am. No. No. What does that have to do with anything? Why must you bring that up again? I told you I was sorry. It was a mistake. Please just drop it. I’m not listening. La di da da da…. is somebody talking cause I don’t hear anything. What’s that smell? Oh my God, the muffins! I forgot the muffins. Why didn’t you tell me the muffins were burning. You did this on purpose, didn’t you? You hate my muffins, don’t you? What do you mean “no”? Then why didn’t you say something? You did not. I would have heard you. Look, I’m not going to talk about this in front of the others. Not now damn it, your embarrassing me. Because I said so. That is a reason. Yes. No. Yep, that’s true. Alright I see your point. I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings. Of course I do. Of course I do. Fine, just let me finish the story and we can talk about it. I know. Right. Well, I’m gonna finish up the story now if that’s OK. Thanks. OK. I love you too.

Excuse me. Now where was I? Ah yes, the superhero weakness. All superheroes have one, so if you happen to be invincible, being a superhero is not an option for you. But if you do have a weakness, which most folks do, then you’re well qualified. So as a means of review, let’s go over what I call “The Superhero Essentials.” It’s only three things basically. You have to be willing to go out in public in a pair of tights, you have to become proficient at self-narration and lastly, you have to have a well defined weakness. When you take the time to break it down like that it becomes quite clear that pretty much all of us have the potential to go out and become superheroes. It just comes down to the question of who is willing to put forth the effort.