ODE TO THE OATS


We live in a decadent society my friends. I fear that the moral foundation upon which this country was established has crumbled beyond repair. Perhaps this can be attributed to the breakdown of the American family. Or perhaps, as I believe, this moral decay can be traced directly back to the breakfast table.

I think people often underestimate the role that breakfast cereal plays in molding a man's character. Breakfast, after all, is the most important meal of the day. It sets the tone for all that follows and, therefore, should not be taken lightly. Choosing the right cereal can make or break you. Yet, too often, folks make the all important choice of which cereal to eat based on superficial reasons. It always seems to come down to either taste or nutritional value. The moral character of a cereal is never even considered as part of the equation and that's extremely disturbing.

Obviously, choosing a cereal simply because it tastes good is as shallow and self-serving as it gets, but is choosing based on nutritional value really any better? Sure nutrition is important, but does it build moral character? Do you think that you will be a good person just because you eat good food? Clearly this is not the case. So if you want to be a good person, choose not the cereal with the highest fiber content, but rather, the one with the highest moral content. After all, if you don't get your morality from a cereal box, where are you going to get it from? But finding a cereal with high moral content can be very difficult indeed.

Just take a look at what's out there. Most don't have any moral character at all. Take Fruit Loops and Fruity Pebbles for instance. I think the names alone suggest an absence of morality. And what about Cocoa Puffs? Please tell me what kind of moral lesson can be learned from watching a deranged bird go coo-coo. Then there's Trix. You know, "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids." What a wonderful message to be sending to our children. It's perfectly O.K. to exclude those who happen to be different.

And don't even get me started about Special K. Commie food I call it. I mean really, a big red "K", which makes the same sound as "C", right there on the box. The only thing missing is the hammer and sickle. Fortunately, Special K has drifted into relative obscurity since the fall of the Soviet Union. I wish I could say the same for Captain Crunch. The bum couldn't cut it on the high seas so he becomes a cereal box captain. What kind of crap is that. And Raisin Bran. One scoop of cocky little sugar covered raisins would be one thing, but two scoops, give me a break. Sometimes I lick the sugar off one just to make an example of him. "Not so tough now are you punk?" After that, the others usually stay in line. But an innocent kid who has never dealt with rowdy raisins, man they'll walk all over him.

Then there's Rice Krispies. Let me recount for you my one and only experience with Snap, Krackle and Pop. I sat down one morning and poured myself a bowl and right away all three of them began grumbling. I think they were arguing amongst themselves. Kindly, I asked them to relax and please talk one at a time, but they just ignored me. Before long their incoherent chatter had become maddening. I slammed my fist down on the table and walked out of the kitchen in disgust. After cooling down a bit I felt bad about my outburst and went to make amends. As I approached the table I noticed that there wasn't a sound coming from the bowl. I attempted to strike up a casual conversation but it soon became apparent that the soggy little bastards were giving me the silent treatment. I tried apologizing several times but they just wouldn't respond. Once again I let my anger get the best of me. I said, "O.K., you's wanna play hard ball", and proceeded to flush them down the toilet. It was an unfortunate episode to say the least.

Then of course, there's Frosted Flakes. On the surface, this cereal appears to be on the right track from a moral standpoint. Tony the Tiger helps kids to overcome obstacles by teaching them how to bring out the best in themselves. Seems like a good solid moral message, right? But what you see in the commercials is not necessarily the reality. Sure, Tony has turned a few kids into over achievers. He brought out the Tiger in them, so to speak. But what you don't hear about are all the kids Tony destroyed trying to bring out a tiger that simply wasn't there. I was one such kid. At first I was taken in by all the propaganda. "Tony is your friend and he'll help you achieve great things" folks used to tell me.

So I went off and joined his training program with a sense of excited anticipation. Soon reality set in. Under his regimen, a person either excels or is ridiculed until his self esteem is completely shot. It was all running and strength exercises and tough guy stuff designed to bring out the Tiger. Unfortunately, I was no good at any of it and he had no patience for that. "Suck it up you little puke" he used to scream in my face as I hung there from the chin-up bar helplessly incapable of performing even a single pull-up. To him I was nothing more than a good for nothing slacker. He drilled that into my head so many times that I began to believe it myself. I had entered Tony's training program a starry eyed boy but I would leave a poor pathetic wretch of a man.

I became a nameless face wandering from town to town. A modern day Bruce Banner if you will. I even used to warn people, "Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry". Of course, this was not because I turn into a ferocious green muscle bound freak when provoked. To tell you the truth, when angered, the only thing I transform into is a whiney sniveling little pouter, but that can be a pretty scary sight in its own right. Anyhow, one day during my wanderings I stopped into a small corner store and met the man who would change my life.

There he was, third shelf up on a cylindrical canister right in front of me. The look on his face was so comforting, as if to say, "I love you, Mister". Over time, the Quaker Oats Man taught me to be proud of myself and under his caring tutelage I discovered that although there was no tiger in me, there actually was an oversized chipmunk just waiting to come out. I became extremely proficient at scurrying, foraging and storing food in my cheeks. I remember thinking to myself, "Oh Baby, if only Tony could see me now", but I digress.

The point is, I had found the cereal of my dreams. No it was not a cold cereal in the traditional sense and no it didn't taste very good, but ultimately these facts were trivial. What was important was that the Quaker Oats Man cared about me as a person. Whether I succeed or fail in life, I know he will always be there for me at the breakfast table every morning. His friendship is not fickle and he sets a shining moral example for all of us to follow. A peaceful God fearing man who is patient, loving and caring. It is my belief that if everyone started their day with a warm bowl of oatmeal beside the Quaker Oats Man, there would undoubtedly be world peace.

Unfortunately, this probably will never come to pass. Sadly, it may be too late for this dreadful society of ours. Perhaps we as a whole have been led too far astray. But there is still hope for the individual. So if you feel you are lacking morality in your life, embrace the Quaker Oats Man. Start your day with him and I promise he will never let you down.


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