It's a ridiculous state of affairs my friends. The human imagination is such an amazing thing and yet, all we've been able to come up with in the monster department are the likes of Dracula, Frankenstein, the Werewolf and the Mummy. These are indisputably the "Big Four" of the monster world. They're supposed to be the ones bringing out the innermost fears in the hearts of men. Well I'm sorry, but I think we could do a whole lot better than this ragtag collection of so-called ghouls.
Why don't we start with Dracula? Some call him the King of the Monsters. I'll say this, with the slicked back hair, the crazy collar and the fancy duds, at least it's clear that he's trying to impersonate the King. The only missing piece is the "Thank you, Thank you very much", which of course is the bread and butter phrase of any self-respecting Elvis wannabe. I'm sure he tried it out a couple times in front of the mirror, but it probably sounded real stupid considering the thick Hungarian accent he has. And besides, practicing in front of the mirror has got to be terribly frustrating for a guy with no reflection. No way to see himself attempting to perfect that crazy hip action or working on that crooked lip thing Elvis was known for. So can you blame the poor wretch for becoming disgruntled? And what do disgruntled folks often do? That's right, they start biting people. Pathetic without question but not very scary if you ask me.
Then there's Frankenstein. Clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed. Nothing more than a misguided and largely misunderstood big man. I actually don't even think he's evil, which I gotta believe should be a prerequisite for being a scary monster. It seems he's actually a good-natured monster and as such, belongs in the same category as Grover, Cookie Monster and yes, dare I say, Elmo. In fact, few folks realize Frankenstein was a regular on Sesame Street until he had that unfortunate falling out with Mr. Hooper.
And the Werewolf? Just a man transformed into a bloodthirsty wolf. A wolf unleashed from the bowels of hell with a viciousness that is beyond any and all comprehension. A wolf that hunts in the dead of night, lurking in the shadows, stalking his human prey. Invisible except for those horrible demon eyes glowing red in the pale moonlight. And then with a raging fury he strikes, tearing flesh from bone only to disappear into the darkness without a trace. OK, well maybe that's somewhat scary, however, why does it always have to be about scary with you people? Isn't there something to be said for fun loving freaks? But no, for you it has to be “scare your pants off” frightening. Speaking of which, I don't exactly understand that phrase. I've been awful scared plenty of times and yet I never once had even the slightest urge to remove my pants. It just seems that such an action would only tend to make a bad situation worse. The only possible exception being what I call the liar, liar, pants on fire scenario, but I digress.
Finally we have the Mummy, perhaps the most perplexing of them all. An ancient dead guy who chases after people in slow motion. I equate being chased by the Mummy to being chased by a slug minus the slime trail. And on top of that, with those bandages over his face the guy can't possibly have any peripheral vision and I believe his hands are wrapped, so grasping is out of the question. Pretty much all he can do is sneak up on people and maybe bump into them, assuming of course that his intended victims remain basically still. Maybe he could even knock a person slightly off balance if he or she was standing awkwardly. Oh wait, that's right, the Mummy is always moaning, so I guess that means he only poses that hypothetical sneaking up and bumping threat to those who are deaf or wear walkmans.
So enough with the "Big Four". If it's a good scare you're looking for I simply say this. Send in the Clowns. Sure we often dismiss them as some kind of circus side-show. Their colorful baggy clothes and oversized shoes masking their ferocity. We laugh at them just because we think the stuff they do is silly. It seems nobody ever takes them seriously at all. The truth is, if we ever did start taking them seriously, it would be too frightening to imagine. That's right, picture yourself walking down a winding country road late at night when all of sudden a mid-sized sedan pulls up and 40 angry clowns come piling out. Nothing funny about that now is there Mister.
Don't be fooled. Their apparent awkwardness is nothing more than a clever facade designed to lull you into a false sense of security. In truth, they are extremely agile and cat like in their reflexes. They want you to let down your guard so they can gain an edge. You won't run from them because you won't recognize them for the evil pack of rubber nosed crazies they truly are. When they approach you, clown horns a honking, you won't suspect a thing.
First they'll grab your attention with some juggling and perhaps a few balloon animals. But before long they will most certainly attempt the fake flower trick. "Come a little closer and smell the pretty flower", one of them might say. You move in to take a whiff so as not to offend and WHAMMO, water in your eyes. Or if you don't fall for the flower routine, perhaps a pie in the face. Anything to disorient and immobilize you. Then undoubtedly comes the pounce and the pain of the giant feet. Oh those terrible deadly feet. Trampling just for the sake of trampling.
So in closing, let us not forget the eloquent words of the great Goo Goblins, who once said "Hell hath no fury like a clown scorned, provided of course that the fury possessed by that clown is in fact greater than the sum total of all the fury present in Hell at that given moment, which naturally is virtually impossible." Nevertheless, Beware the Clowns!!!
